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Saturday, November 16, 2013

REPORT: Popular Christian Dating Site Unexpectedly Shutting Its Doors

Tulsa, Oklahoma

Thousands of Christian singles woke up Saturday to the unexpected news that their dating site of choice will soon be no more. 

Although admitting that their niche target group has always been Christians between the ages of 18 and 35, SPARK Networks, which owns ChristianMingle, says that it has paired up thousands of believers of every age, ethnicity, and economic background. ChristianMingle's official Mission Statement is as follows:

"ChristianMingle's mission is to serve as the premier online community for singles looking to date, make meaningful connections and marry within the Christian faith. Our deepest desire is to see our members grow in their relationship with Christ while living out their spiritual journeys.

ChristianMingle is continually committed to providing a destination filled with millions of Christian singles united in building a safe, clean, high quality community while bringing glory to Christ Jesus."

In the last year, ChristianMingle has even coughed up the necessary funds for mediocre television advertisements.

However on Saturday morning, CEO Kory Simpson announced that ChristianMingle will cease to exist on New Years Eve, "giving the millions of people who use our service time to find another dating website."

According to Simpson, who has been with the company for 7 years, the problem began approximately 2 years ago when they were approached by a high-profile client - God himself. "As an executive we are committed to actively praying before our meetings each morning, and several of us began to feel 'the call from God' to find Him a match," said Simpson." "At first each of us deeply questioned our judgment, but when we gathered to discuss our prayer lives, each of us revealed the same thing - that God was looking for a mate. We had read in Genesis 2:18 that God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner,' so gradually it made sense that God too could become lonely and want to settle down with someone as well."

ChristianMingle's main tagline is "Find God's Match For You." The only problem was, no one at ChristianMingle could find a match for God. "We found his criteria to be too idealistic and frankly, all over the place," says Franklin Thomas, a board member with the company for 5 years. "At times his profile seemed too idealistic and too rigid, frankly even exhibiting violent tendencies. But then, just like that, he seemed open and loving and genuinely kind-hearted. In the end, after 2 years of trying, we had to break the news to God that he would have to try another site such as Plenty of Fish or okCupid."

With ChristianMingle's failure to find God his perfect match, Simpson and the others "have become disillusioned and think it best to shut down the service."

ChristianMingle will cease to exist on December 31, 2013.

With Notes From Our Oklahoma City Bureau

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

REPORT: Rob Ford Bobbleheads Recalled Due To Manufacturers Glitch

Toronto, ON

It appears as if hundreds of Toronto's children will not be finding Mayor Rob Ford under their Christmas tree this year after all.

On Tuesday, the controversial mayor hosted long line-ups of tax-paying citizens who arrived at city hall to receive a free Ford bobble-head doll and to have him sign the box for a fee of $20. Demand ended up exceeding supply, and as of Wednesday afternoon, at least one Kijiji ad was offering one of the likenesses for $500.

Mayor Ford's brother Doug remarked, "It speaks volumes by the amount of people downstairs (lining up). I don't think there's a politician in the country, including the prime minister, that could have bobblehead dolls and have them line up around the corner."

One of the initial appeals of the Ford bobblehead was a small red button when, if pressed, had the mayor saying, "I'm Rob Ford, the star!" However, beginning Tuesday night, Toronto City Hall was being flooded with calls by citizens who had stood in line, complaining that the voice was garbled, and sounded as if Ford was saying, "I'm Rob. F*ck The Star!" (The Toronto mayor has famously had an ongoing feud with The Toronto Star since his inauguration and particularly since they broke news about a video in which Ford appears to be smoking crack cocaine and making disparaging remarks about gays and minorities). The mayor finally admitted last week that in fact he had smoked crack cocaine but refuses to give up the reigns of his mayoralty.  Doug Fisher, editor at The Star, took the bobblehead story in stride: "Can a bobblehead doll have a Freudian slip? I guess so."

Wednesday afternoon, City Hall announced that the bobbleheads can be returned for a full refund.

With Files From Our Toronto Bureau

Saturday, May 04, 2013

REPORT: Blue Jays Announce Drastic Changes After "Terrible" Start To Season

TORONTO - It was another ideal, sunny spring day for baseball in Ontario's capital. Unfortunately for Blue Jays fans, it was also another painful, predictable outcome for their faltering team.

Sunday afternoon brought another blow to the hopes of long-suffering Jays fans, as Toronto lost 8-1 to the Seattle Mariners. It was the Jays fourth loss in a row, and they are 2-8 in their last 10 games. Even worse, Toronto is a paltry 10-21 and a full 11 games back of Boston in the highly competitive American League East.

What makes all of this all the more stinging is that the ball club came into this season with very high expectations, arguably the highest since they won the World Series in 1992 and 1993. GM Alex Anthopoulos pulled off a major trade with Miami, acquiring Mark Buehrle, Josh Johnson, Jose Reyes, and Emilio Bonofacio, and acquired slugger Melky Cabrera via free agency. Perhaps his biggest coup was acquiring Cy Young Award winner R.A. Dickey from the New York Mets.

It was Dickey (2-5, 5.36 ERA) who was on the mound today and gave up 3 home runs, which brings the total amount of home runs given up by Jays pitchers to 42, by far the highest in the Major Leagues.

Immediately following Sunday's game, Blue Jays President Paul Beeston held a closed-door meeting with Anthopoulos and gave him the go-ahead to make sweeping changes to the ball club that have been in the works for the last two weeks. The changes include:

  • Firing pitching coach Pete Walker and replacing him with former outfielder Lloyd Moseby.
  • Reaching out to the club's large hockey-fan base and showing live NHL playoff games on the Jumbotron - with sound. The thinking is that if most of the fans in the 400 and 500 levels can't see the replays of Jays missed opportunities, they are likely to return.
  • Deliberately injecting OF Melky Cabrera with steroids, which would be his second offence and garner an automatic 100-game suspension. Cabrera is currently hitting .235 with zero homeruns after 119 at-bats.
  • Demoting manager John Gibbons to bat-boy and replacing him with popular former beer vendor Wayne McMahon, who came to be beloved by his "Icccce. Coooold. Beeeeer" catchphrase.
  • Immediately replacing "Ace," the Jays mascot, with a Roman Catholic Priest who will stand atop the Jays clubhouse sprinkling holy water and reciting prayers.
  • The club plans on increasing the number of TD Comfort Zone seats, where unsuspecting lucky fans receive better seats. However, beginning tomorrow, the seats will be turned to face away from the field.
  • Highly-touted pitcher R.A Dickey will be forced to wear his full name (Runs Allowed) on his uniform.
  • All Friday home games will be played by Jays' double-A affiliate New Hampshire. These will be touted as Fisher Cat Fridays. The reason that the ball club will not use their triple-A Bison roster is because they are from Buffalo.
The Toronto Blue Jays have won only one series all season (Kansas City), and complete their series vs. Seattle Sunday afternoon.

New Blue Jays Manager Wayne McMahon

With Files From Our Toronto Bureau

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Organization Calls For "Wear Nothing Day" To Honour Colour-Blinded People

Thomas Billington, President, International Society For The Colour Blind

Mississauga, Ontario

Canada's leading organization for colour-blinded people says that North American society is ignorant of those with their plight, and today called for an International "Wear Nothing Day" to be held each March 29th.

Thomas Billington, President of the International Society For The Colour Blind, said that "everyone else seems  to have their special days when they wear a certain colour, but they just don't realize that this is prejudice against so many of us."

Examples he used were National Wear Pink Day on March 27th, which calls for an end to bullying, and which ironically has bullied the Breast Cancer Awareness movement by stealing its colour. There is also Wear Purple Day, which, depending on who you ask, is about epilepsy awareness or in support of LGBT youth.

Billington says he has received "an overwhelming amount" of correspondence from the organization's members, asking him to take a stand against this oversight of the colour-blind community.

"Since it is now legal to be nude or at least topless in many provinces and states, we are calling on people to disrobe each March 29th so that those in our community will not have to go through the aggravating task of guessing which colour another person is sporting," said Billington.

Many people on the streets had mixed feelings over the organization's proposal. "I don't mind showing off what I've got," said local businessman Charles Townshend. "But March 29th can still be mighty cold here in Ontario and people may have to deal with significant shrinkage."

Local seamstress Stacey Millson says that she has already had a number of customers inquire about nipple covers. "I've agreed to supply them as long as people realize they will be skin-coloured."

From Our Toronto Bureau

Monday, February 11, 2013

Benedict Vacates Papacy After Call From Hollywood Director

Vatican City

In a move that has stunned the Catholic world, which consists of over one billion adherents, the Vatican announced on Monday that Pope Benedict XVI, 85, will be stepping down from the papacy later this month. The Roman Catholic church claimed that declining health is the reason for Benedict's departure, however The Sentinel Dispatch has learned that this is not entirely the case.

Unnamed sources at the Vatican, including four Cardinals, say that the former Joseph Ratzinger of Germany has been in talks with producers of the seventh Star Wars movie for approximately a month.  "His Holiness has never kept it a secret that he has been an avid Star Wars fan since the movies first came out in the 1970's. When he read a report that Disney had purchased the franchise and was planning on a movie, he was very excited and sent a congratulatory message to director J.J. Abrams (also director of the Star Trek reboot).

Never in his wildest dreams did Pope Benedict think that Abrams, a devout Catholic, would respond, and with an offer he couldn't refuse: a role in the upcoming Star Wars films.

"His Holiness realizes that he can no longer keep up with the physical demands of traveling around the world as the face of Catholicism, but he can make short, cameo appearances as Emperor Palpatine," said a French Cardinal.  "He will donate his salary to the Church, naturally.

In another shocking move, Benedict has decided that upon the naming of his successor, he will stop following Jesus.

On Twitter.

The Vatican set up a Twitter account for the Pope last December, and he had gained over 1.5 million followers, including Jesus Christ.  "The Holy Father will also "unfriend" the Lord on Facebook," as there can be only one representative of the Divine on earth at one time," said papal historian Francis O'Donnelly.

This is the first time in 600 years that a Pope has resigned the papacy, so it is unknown what Ratzinger's burial plans will be. "There is a good chance that he will be buried at St. Peter's Basilica along with all the other infallible popes. Other options are being buried in space, or being a passenger on a magical ship like Bilbo Baggins."

From our Vatican City Bureau

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

REPORT: Toronto Mayor Ousted After Stealing Toys From Salvation Army

Toronto, ON

In an unprecedented move that sent shockwaves throughout Canada's largest city and beyond, bombastic mayor Rob Ford was turfed from his job Monday after it was found that he stole $2 million worth of toys from The Salvation Army.

Ford has been a source of division and controversy ever since he swept to power, vowing to stop Toronto's "gravy train" of overspending of taxpayer dollars. The 43-year-old has previously been caught reading while driving, and giving the finger to someone in an adjacent vehicle. More recently, Ford had egg on his face for using public transit to transport his football team from their schools and back.

However, this latest indiscretion seems to have done the Etobicoke native in. Last week, Major John Rennie of Toronto's Salvation Army held a news conference wherein he said that over $2 million worth of children's toys had gone missing from their warehouses. A criminal investigation began immediately. Police could never have imagined where the search would lead them.

According to Toronto Police, everything from porcelain dolls, Axe body spray, fruit cups, bicycles and computers were found in Ford's residence late Monday.  Police say that by looking at photographs, it is now clear that Mr. Ford had been hiding these items under his shirt for several weeks and clandestinely transporting them to his home.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford last week:
 Is that a flatscreen you're hiding?
"It was clear that the mayor was walking under some duress most days over the last month, but we had no idea why until today," said a source inside City Hall. "The mayor would wear his jacket even inside City Hall recently and appeared to have television cables protruding from it," said another. "He's always been a husky guy, but this was alarming. He was almost to the point of shuffling instead of walking."

Along with Ford's dismissal, Toronto Salvation Army executive director David Rennie was also dismissed and charged with theft.

Ford has said that he will appeal the decision, and ironically was present at a City Hall Toy Drive kick-off on Monday before being turfed from office.

From Our Toronto Bureau

Monday, November 05, 2012

REPORT: 89% Of Canadians Worried Romney Would Take Over Their Country

Toronto, ON

In a revealing poll on the eve of the American Presidential election, well over three quarters of the Canadian population say that they are afraid of a Mitt Romney victory.

The poll was conducted by The New York Times and The Toronto Star, which have worked closely together for almost a decade. 36,965 Canadians were polled between October 30th and November 3rd. Canadians were asked "Are you afraid that Canada could be usurped by the United States if Mitt Romney becomes President?"  An overwhelming number said yes.

There has been widespread concern over Romney since he first ran for President four years ago, due to a passage in the Book of Mormon. Romney belongs to the Utah-based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In the Book of Jarom, a man "with untold wealth reaches up with upturned scepter and looks to the North." The passage goes on to refer to the North as being a place of "peace and freely distributed remedies" until said man unleashes his power on it, eventually in conquest. Canada is widely known to be a nation of peacemakers and has a public health system.

"Canadians who have access to electricity - approximately 52% - are closely monitoring the lead-up to tomorrow's election," said Geoff Benson, associate editor at The Star. "The government here is small, but is determined to remain autonomous."

There have been reports of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper orchestrating an invasion of Alaska through the northern territories, however there is trepidation that Alaskans are well-armed considering former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin's affinity for guns.

Many Canadians are also concerned about losing their religious faith. While the Latter-Day Saints focus on founder Joseph Smith, 91% of Canadians worship at St. Timothy Hortons Churches across the country. The religion features a mixture of aboriginal and European influences, such as the licking of maple syrup off of trees and singing age-old songs to the beaver.

Mr. Benson said that Canadians will be waiting closely by their radios tomorrow night, or will rely on word of mouth. "We could have four more years of peace, or we could be looking at the invasion of Mormon-dy."

From Our Toronto Bureau